When I suggested to a friend that we go to Boston Pizza for dinner, he honestly thought I was joking. Because why would any rational person choose to go to Boston Pizza?
I should explain: I was watching TV the other day, and I happened upon an ad for the Pizzaburger, which is basically a burger wrapped in a pizza. "That's ridiculous," I thought. "I should probably review that." And let me tell you, you should be sending some seriously good vibes my way; I ate this monstrosity so that you don't have to. You're welcome.
The Pizzaburger comes in two varieties: pepperoni and bacon, or five cheese. I opted for pepperoni and bacon, because if you're going to get a Pizzaburger, you may as well go all out.
The burger essentially looks like an enormous pizza pocket. It has a pickle, a slice of tomato, and some lettuce pinned to the top, but that's all essentially garnish because how are you supposed to eat that stuff? Cut it in half and cram it into the opening? Leave it on top and eat it like an open-faced sandwich? I set it aside and dug in.
Have you ever had a terrible slice of pizza and thought, "Boy, I wish I could combine this with a mediocre hamburger!" If so, you're in luck! Boston Pizza has read your mind and created a product just for you.
But you have never thought that. Because you are a rational human being. This is not for you.
I'll start with the patty, because this is a hamburger review, after all. It's a particularly mediocre frozen burger, with that off-putting hot dog texture and salty, devoid-of-anything-resembling-beef flavor. I'm not sure how they cooked it, but when I slid it out of the bun to take a peek, it was gray and devoid of any grill marks or crust from a griddle.
The sauce was generically bad pizza sauce. I honestly don't even remember exactly what it tasted like, just that it was vaguely unpleasant and very much like dozens of other varieties of bad pizza sauce that I've had in my life.
The limp, soggy bacon was also fairly poor, and accomplished nothing other than to add saltiness to an already salty product. The pepperoni was standard pepperoni, and obviously only compounded the aforementioned saltiness issue.
There was also a bunch of mozzarella in there, which didn't really add or detract from the overall product. It's a Pizzaburger though, so I guess it was necessary?
The crust was fine. It was nothing spectacular, but it's probably the only element of this thing that I really don't have any complaints about. Chewy and slightly crispy around the edges, it was perfectly acceptable pizza crust.
The Pizzaburger also came with a side of fries. They were not good. Shocker, I know! They were probably the frozen fryiest frozen fries I have ever eaten, if that makes any sense. They were pale, bland, and without an ounce of personality.
About the author: Michael Nusair is a Toronto-area writer / podcaster / cool dude who likes eating good food and watching Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. Sometimes at the same time! You can read about his various eating exploits here and here, and follow him on Twitter at MichaelKN.