[Photographs: Carey Jones]

Me: "What do they call a Whopper?"
Carey: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "What do they call a Whopper?"
Carey: "Saying it twice doesn't suddenly make me understand."
Me: "It's from Pulp Fiction. You're supposed to say, 'I don't know. I didn't go to Burger King.'"
Carey: "Shut up and order your meal."

Unlike Tarantino's Vincent Vega, while in London a few weeks ago, I did manage to try the European Burger King. Their menu is very similar to BK's menu in the States, but some of the special offerings caught my eye. "Melt 'n Middle? Cheese melted between two beef patties? Cool! Oh, the Texican Whopper! That'll be awesome." Sadly, the those two were far from awesome.

The Blue Cheese Melt 'n Middle sounds straightforward, if unusual for Burger King: blue cheese between two patties, lettuce, and mayo on the classic sesame seed bun. The meat was way too dry, as Burger King's beef often is, and there was an absurd amount of mayo on it. Initially, I thought the melted cheese in the middle was an awesome touch, since, warm and gooey, it squished out from inside the patties; the blue cheese itself isn't particularly tasty, though. (The BK UK website lists the ingredient as "Bleu Cheese Flavor Melt 'n Middle Sauce" rather than cheese.) At 2.49 pounds, it's a good value. Trouble is, it's not really worth eating.

The Texican, only available in Europe, is a Whopper topped with taco-coated chilli con carne, jalapeños, and Cajun mayonnaise. The thing is massive: as big as a personal pan pizza from The Hut. Even with the list of ingredients, I had no clue what I was eating. The chili con carne was like a layer of refried beans coated in crumbled taco shell. It tasted like generic taco seasoning from the school cafeteria, and was downright repulsive—crumbly, gooey, and dry—in texture. As much as the potato-onion patty made the Tower Sandwich at KFC, the chili patty detracted from this Whopper.

The meat basically disappears behind the thick bun, refried beans, and toppings. The jalapeños gave a nice heated kick, but were massive in size, making for an uneven distribution. I didn't want to eat any more than a few bites of the Texican.

Dessert was a saving grace: the "Frisco," soft-serve with chocolate and pancakes. It was reasonably good vanilla soft-serve, and both the small pancake bites and chocolate sauce were fine; it was fun, and worth trying, if you're there. Not the best soft serve I had in Europe, but not stomach-turning like the Texican Whopper.

The components of the sandwiches at BK UK taste nearly identical to those of the US, but the regional burger variations are a bit odd. I don't think they're worth trying, but if you're really looking for something similar to what you're used to in the US, go with a standard Whopper and fries.