A Wisconsin Butter Burger [Photographs: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt]

Last Tuesday I attended the first in what is to become a series of burger seminars held at Rub BBQ, Monday night home of some of the best damned smashed burgers in town prepared by chef Scott Smith.

Held on the second Tuesday of every month, each open-to-the-public seminar takes guests on a tour of three distinct regional burger styles, in addition to an enlightening tasting of beef cut varietals (burgers made from a single cut of the cow—brisket, short rib, sirloin), and beer pairings to match. Though the burger varieties tasted each month will vary, the one part that remains the same is the ineffable host, Josh Ozersky, author of The Hamburger: A History. And when I say ineffable, I refer not only to his knowledge of hamburgers, his fine writing, and his girth, but more importantly, to his unparalleled way with words.

Like the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, his statements are often apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, but are guaranteed to be alternately entertaining, hilarious, and enlightening. He is a man who is never at a loss for words or opinions.

Seeing as the burgers and Ozersky are really the stars of this show, I'll leave you with some burger photos, along with the top five "Ozerskyisms" of the night. If you enjoy this kind of stuff, you should definitely check out the monthly event. Nowhere else in town can you get a two hour, multi-course sit-down meal with drinks and live entertainment included for $30, unless you don't mind the cheerful glow of the year-round Christmas lights and sitar music on Curry Row (East 6th Street between 1st and 2nd Avenues).

Ozerskyisms

Ozersky on Planetary Sciences: "As the post-graduate oracle-seer of all burgertude, I claim that the burger horizon is forever receding like the curved surface of the sun, setting like a giant bun on the West."

Ozersky on Square Meals: "In a good burger, the fat is your meat, and the meat is your vegetable."

Mississippi Slugburger

Ozersky on Home Cooking: "You think you've made hamburgers at home? A hamburger you make at home is not really a hamburger. It's like making a home video and calling it a movie. A burger must exist in the public sphere."

Ozersky on Fashion: "Lettuce and tomato are worthless and should be outlawed. Putting fancy things on a mediocre burger—Pepperjack, aioli, foie gras—it's like putting pretty clothes on an ugly girl. You can't cover up what's underneath."

Jersey-style slider

Ozersky on Selling the Bike Shop: "If your burger can't stand on its own as beef, salt, maybe a little pepper, then you really need to get out of the business and go make empanadas or something."

Hamburger Seminar at Rub BBQ

Second Tuesday of each month, 6 p.m.
$30/person
208 West 23rd Street, New York, NY (b/n 7th and 8th; map)
212-524-4300
RSVP to rubburger@yahoo.com