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She Said/He Said: Unremarkable Burgers at Wollensky's Grill

Posted by Nick Solares, January 20, 2009 at 10:00 AM

"Nick, on the other hand, is a de-nuder. He strips his meat and slaps it around before getting to the straightforward business of eating it."

Editor's note: In today's review, resident burger expert Nick Solares collaborates with Serious Eats contributor and burger lover Tam Ngo to bring you twice the opinions in one spot.

Photographs by Nick Solares and Tam Ngo

It is a tale as old as time itself: The perpetual perceptual divide between woman and man. It may be a cliché, but in affairs of the heart and of the mind the truth often lies somewhere in the middle between what she said and what he said. But what about hamburgers? Could there be some universal truth, some detente between the sexes to be found between the buns?

To find out I enlisted the esteemable Tam Ngo, who had recently rocked the burger world with her review of the Lever House burger. Tam likes grilled burgers dressed with all manner of condiments and loaded with big flavors—quite the opposite to the way I like them, which is griddle-cooked with nothing on them but cheese. What could be more perfect for a "She Said / He Said" piece? This is the story of our lunch at Wollensky's Grill.

Drink Order

Sure, it was lunchtime, but it was Friday lunch time. Since Wollensky's Grill does not serve milkshakes, grown-up drinks were in order.

Tam: I like to indulge in a Scotch with my meats, but after querying the waiter ("Single malt?" "No." "Blended Scotch?" "No."), I settle on the Grill's "finest" bourbon: Maker's Mark. Neat. Wollensky's Grill gives a generous pour, but the drink is too sweet to enjoy.

Nick: I like to drink full bodied cabs and complex amarones with my steaks and chops, but when it comes to burgers, I think beer is more appropriate. Unfortunately, the selection of beers at the Grill is disappointingly pedestrian. I settle for a Stella Artois.

Food Order

This is AHT, so we ordered burgers, of course. Wollensky's Grill serves a flame-grilled burger with an impressive char. The 10-ounce, USDA Prime meat is coarsely ground and chopped daily in the basement of Smith and Wollensky (the adjacent steakhouse).

Tam: I order my burger rare, with Roquefort cheese. As part of this "He Said/She Said" write-up, it seems only fitting to order the fussiest, un-endorsable, non-AHT burger possible. I look forward to relishing it fully and without apology.

Nick: I am impressed when Tam orders her burger rare and delighted when she orders it with Roquefort. She vows to dress it to the nines with every available condiment known to man, woman, and serious eater—all the better to widen the gender/cooking method/topping divide. I go for a rare burger with American cheese. That's it.

Presentation

Tam: The visual presentation is OK. Cute that the fries come in an inverted toque.

Nick: A big pile of colorful ingredients crowd the plate, vying for attention. It's not exactly a dignified presentation—a bit sloppy, actually. I am glad Tam remembers what those chef's hats are called.

What condiments do you put on your burger?

Tam: I like to dress my meat up and regard it from several points of view. At Wollensky's Grill, I use every item of wardrobe the plate has to offer: lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and two kinds of onions—red and yellow.

Nick, on the other hand, is a de-nuder. He strips his meat and slaps it around before getting to the straightforward business of eating it.

Nick: I confess, I do strip and slap my meat around. But that is another story. I prefer the term "naturalist" to "nude." I eat my burgers "American Zen" style: beef, bun, cheese—that's it. If I have to dip a burger in ketchup or mustard, it is not a good sign.

Bun

Tam: The bun sits on the burger at a jaunty angle, like a kind of "eff-you" beret. It is wholly desiccated.

Nick: Desiccated might be being too charitable; fossilized might be more appropriate. I drop the top bun onto the tablecloth from less than a foot up, and it makes a resounding "thonk" sound. While it does have a nice burnishing, it clearly got that way long before we ordered. It is a bit over-matched by the super-sized patty.

Beef (Flavor, Texture, Cooked to Temperature)

Tam: Despite our ordering the burgers rare, mine is unambiguously medium-rare. Squeezing the burger leaks a clear juice.

I try to get Nick to squeeze his meat, but he complains of a possible loss of fluid. He eventually gets around this problem by sopping up the blood with bun.

The flavor of the meat is unremarkable and grossly under-salted. Like Nick and his ketchup, I keep a dipping-pile of salt to the side.

The burger served is not hot; it is more like an enthusiastic-warm.

Nick: Mine is perfectly rare—at least a plum-sized hunk of the beef in the center is. The rest is completely cooked through and rather dried out. Cracking open the exterior shell is like opening up a meteor—a hard, outer crust giving way to a soft, inner core. The rare part is quite good, tender and succulent, but not especially flavorful. Tam is right: It is underseasoned. Unfortunately, over half of the burger is overcooked to the point that I resort to dipping it in ketchup.

The burger was barely warm when it arrived at our table. By the time Tam's finishes playing Jenga with the toppings, it is completely tepid.

It is true that I didn't want to squeeze my meat, but ultimately, no red-blooded male could have refused Tam's exhortations. I am glad to say it did elicit some decent juice.

Cheese

Tam: The Roquefort is not especially rotty or creamy. Even broiled, it's a snoozer of a blue. Chewing through it is an inconvenience. I eventually scrape off the offending plastic.

Nick: The American turns out to be white American rather than the more familiar yellow. It gets a bit lost between the beef and bun. The Roquefort is more like Fauxquefort—it has very little flavor and melts in a uniform manner, quite unlike quality blue cheese.

Synthesis

How does it all come together?

Tam: This is one of those jawbreaker burgers.

Nick: It is hard enough to eat the plain cheeseburger because of the enormous 10-ounce patty. Topped with rabbit food, it becomes insurmountable.

Fries

Tam: The fries fail on several fronts. No crispy exterior, no moist interior, and they're served at room temperature. They taste like they were fried twice yesterday, then once more for good measure.

Nick: The lady is right: most disappointing. Soggy and flaccid.

Conclusion

Tam: Smith & Wollensky may be known for their steaks, but the Grill burgers are a thoughtless enterprise.

Nick: It is impossible to recommend Wollensky's Grill on the basis of the burger that Tam was served—it was inexcusably bad. Mine was better, but still difficult to recommend, especially considering the $16 price tag. Go to the Grill for the prime rib or the roast beef hash, but not for the burgers

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