Dear AHT: The Unrequited Love of Mutant Foods: Cheeseburger Combos
Editor's note: This is one of the weirdest emails/posts we've ever received. But it's pretty awesome. Here's the full email from William Wonka Bitters of The Big Candy Apple in which he pleads for the acceptance of cheeseburger and non-cheeseburger unions. Read and be amazed.
Your glaring oversight of the introduction of the Cheeseburger variety of Combos snacks is just the latest transgression in a series of bad decisions to aggravate our already rocky relationship. It smacks of the high-minded elitist rhetoric that toppled the once mighty Democratic Party, but includes none of the populist hypocrisy that sustains the Republicans. And frankly, that Kennedy-esque picture of Ed Levine in the "About" section is condescending—we all know he's a beautiful man, enough already.
Without further ado: Should you ever wish to see Mayor McCheese again—who I'm sure you've noticed has gone missing—you must post the following review of aforementioned hamburger-inspired snacks on AHT no later than yesterday. Your failure to do so will result in the slow but thorough disassembly of the universally loved politician, his disparate limbs and organs to be blended up smoothie-thick and sold back to McDonald's as "Extra" Special Sauce.
This posting is free of charge. Should you desire the submission of future reviews of hamburger-related goods and services to fill your weekend void, I will require a packet of sugar weighing no more than 1.489 grams be deposited in the trash can at the corner of 42nd and 6th once in a fortnight. Further proof of my glorious writing skills (and photography) can be gleened from my blog, The Big Candy Apple.
The Unrequited Love of Mutant Foods
By William Wonka Bitters
As a child of mixed races—my father being Willy Wonka, my mother an Oompa Loompan prostitute—I am painfully familiar with the marginalization people of ambiguous backgrounds face. There is nothing wrong with the natural fear of something that is different, but without the requisite curiosity you risk damning a diamond in the rough to a short lifetime cloaked in obscurity.
Cheeseburger-flavored Combos snacks are one such victim of this attitude that I would like to highlight. Not unlike the love-it or hate-it cheeseburger pizza, the cheeseburger-cracker hybrids have been thrust into a cold world of high culinary standards and low morals. Have we no decency? Are the children of affectionate burgers and crackers any less a food than the foods from whose loins they have squirted?
While we may have invented the cheeseburger, it is a creature in its own right, independent and mature, worthy of the same respect we would afford any food. Let the cheeseburger procreate with other foods, I say! And let us embrace these wonderfully wacky offspring, not for the qualities we think they should bear, but for their individual contributions to the diversity of the foods we consume. Who knows—maybe two mutant foods will make a little super mutant food that can cure fat people. That, however, will only follow on our acceptance that mutant foods should be judged not on taste, but on potential.