Newsflash: Eating fast food cheeseburgers can make you fat. Subway would like you to believe this is the one and only way you're going to kill yourself with food, and they're not afraid to say it. Please consider the following ad, the latest in Subway's relentless attack on the competition:

Funny, right? You can tell from the size of the man's "hoochie mama" behind that he's been eating at Burger Town—so much so that he doesn't need a receipt to prove it. The solution? A six-inch ham and cheese sub from Subway, of course! And while that particular sandwich can have as few as 334 calories and 8 grams of fat, as soon as you add toppings or dressing, those numbers can climb substantially.

Who's going to eat a ham and cheese dry? Sure, you could. But is six inches of condiment-free sandwich a satisfying and filling lunch? My guess is, not for the guy in the ad. Make that a foot-long, of course, and you've just doubled the load.

Let's not stop there, because Subway won't. Chips, a cookie, and a drink will all be offered at the checkout. That's extra calories, fat, and filling; what a deal!

Jared lost weight on the Subway diet, and you could too. Then again, they don't promise it, and they don't even endorse it. They do, however, tout and imply it. And that's what's burning me up. Eating anywhere else will make you fat and sad, according to Subway.

In that case, I'm ordering a Double Stacked Steak and Cheese, please, because, "the only thing better than tasty steak and cheese is tasty steak and cheese with more tasty steak and cheese on top of it". "Over half a pound of marinated steak" sounds delicious! Where is that nutritional information, again? Most of the sandwiches on Subway's website have a handy "nutrition" button in the lower right corner, but not the Double Stacked Steak and Cheese. Looking elsewhere, assuming this is the same sandwich as the "Double Meat Steak and Cheese", six inches packs 540 calories and 18 grams of fat. A McDonald's Big Mac has 540 calories and 29 grams of fat. That's still more fat than the Subway sandwich, but—wait a minute, the Big Mac's total includes "Special Sauce", while the Double Meat Steak and Cheese remains undressed. Adding 1 teaspoon (I'll save my editorial on sandwich artists and their absurdly liberal dressing habits for another time) of light mayonnaise brings that total up 50 calories and 5 grams of fat. One teaspoon of regular mayonnaise is 110 calories, 12 grams of fat. Oil and vinegar, salt and pepper? That's another 45 calories and 5 grams of fat, and well over what you'll get from a Big Mac. A Burger King Whopper rings in at 670 calories, 39 grams of fat, which at this point is pretty similar to our six-inch Double Stacked Steak and Cheese. Pass the badonkadonk, please.

On any given night or channel, you can see both the burger-bashing ads and one for the Subway Feast, which clocks in at similar (but higher) numbers to the Double Stacked Steak and Cheese, and brags of its size:

The very spirit of this ad angers me, especially when juxtaposed with the others. Here's officially fat man Peter Griffin celebrating a sandwich "as big as my head", and daring Jared to do better. It's Subway being somewhat tongue-in-cheek, while at the same time, claiming to satisfy all parties. It's a problem many people struggle with: the desire to lose weight versus the desire for salty, fattening foods. Eating healthily isn't easy, and it often requires sacrifices. Eating at "Burger Town" isn't going to make you skinnier, but neither does eating at Subway.

I'm not suggesting Subway shouldn't make these sandwiches, or that they shouldn't be proud of the fact that they're offering somewhat healthier alternatives. They should, and good for them. I relish my freedom to eat any kind of sandwich I choose. What I don't appreciate, however, is Subway trying to have it both ways. Vilifying other fast food establishments for their unhealthy habits while at the same time glorifying equally bankrupt nutritional choices is misleading and disingenuous. You can't have your cake, eat it, and expect not to have to pay for it too.