Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce Lauren Krueger. We need some new blood around these parts, something to liven things up, and Lauren will be joining the crew of AHT to do just that. She'll be posting once or twice a week—reviews, rants, ruminations, and what not. Her first post will be along shortly, but first I thought I'd grill her as a bit of hazing and get-to-know-ya. So, without further ado, let's get Grillin'! —The Mgmt.

Name: Lauren Krueger
Location: New Yawk City! (I always hear the Pace guys [video] in my head)
Occupation: Eater, video editor

So, are you sure you're not vegetarian?
Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm a skinny girl who eats a lot of meat; it happens! I'm pretty sure I teethed on a T-bone.

How often do you eat burgers?
Not often enough (though certain members of my immediate family would say too often). Probably about once a week.

Where did you eat your most recent one?
More likely than not it was the mini burgers at Jimmy's Shake, I mean, Burger Shack. You were there! There's no burgers like home! There's no burgers like home!

Cheese: American, cheddar, other?
Sure, yes, by all means! Blue rules, Swiss is heavenly, Boursin makes me melt. Interesting fact: I never had a cheeseburger until college. What can I say? Everyone was experimenting. I'll still gladly skip the cheese, especially on burgers that have a particularly delicious meat makeup. I (very briefly) dated a guy who wouldn't dream of eating a hamburger without cheese. Needless to say, he wasn't imaginative enough to make the cut.

Ketchup or mustard?
Or? What is this "or"? Bring on the condiments! There's a good reason many burger places' "special sauce" is a ketchup-and-mayo-based creation, and that's because those things taste mighty fine on a
burger. I'll take ketchup, mustard, mayo, horseradish, pesto, barbecue sauce—whatever you throw at me, more or less. Actually, throw things at me and I will probably throw them back and chase you down.

Sesame-seed or plain?
I was going to say seeded, but looking through Flickr I'm realizing most of the buns I've loved (now available on DVD) have not had seeds. The most familiar seeded bun is the Whopper's. The best so far was at the Clinton Street Baking Company. Other seeded buns (Luger, Veselka, etc.) have been too hard for my taste. In conclusion, it's not the seeds as much as the bread itself. Grace any lovely roll with seeds and I'll love it equally as if it were seedless. Do sesame seeds even taste like anything?

Grilled, griddled, or broiled?
You know, I hate to be wishy-washy about this, but I really don't have a type. I love you all—grilled, griddled, or broiled. I'll even give deep-fried a shot.

And how would you like that done, miss?
Medium, please. And I said no onions.

Would you do us the favor of describing your perfect burger?
How kind of you to ask! Let's start with a third pound of that magic mixture of brisket and sirloin that the Shake Shack grinds up so nicely and, um, griddle it, yeah! Snag a bun from P.J. Clarke's, and toast it up a smidge. Cook that patty to a happy medium (the name of an almost band I was once a part of), and melt a slice of sharp, white cheddar on top. Add two 1/4- to 1/2-inch slices of so-fresh-you-wanna-slap-it homegrown tomatoes and a good handful of dill pickle chips (why yes, I did make some the other night, those will be fine), and a leaf of Boston or Bibb lettuce. Smear a little mayo on the roll, give it a squirt of ketchup, and get out of my way. Sure, I could use a napkin. Thanks.

The hamburger is a food item with which most Americans have strong childhood associations. Do you remember your earliest encounter with this most delicious dish?
Four of the first five years of my life I spent living very near to the original Fuddrucker's in San Antonio, Texas. The chunk of my brain that Fuddrucker's occupies is probably not size-appropriate to the amount of time we spent there, but something stuck, and this is where my love affair with burgers began. They had cookies the size of my face, and a fixin's bar where I could pig out on pickles and tomatoes and use as many weird condiments as I wanted. If my burger wasn't a total mess, I wasn't interested in picking it up.

My fourth birthday party was at McDonald's. I always remember being disappointed that their kids' meals didn't feature adult-sized burgers. I never ordered them because I was hungrier than that. Who cares about the toy?

And, embarrassingly enough, I definitely remember trying to get my mother to make flatter, more uniform burgers at home. I wanted them with even edges, smashed totally flat like fast food. Of course, now I know that flattening your patty is one of the meanest things you can do to it. Oh well, you live and you learn, right?

You're just dying for an opportunity to brag about your friends' burger genius, aren't you?
Well, now that you mention it, I have had some amazing burger-related gifts in the past few years. My mom printed out one of the goriest pictures I've ever taken of a burger (right) and made it into a T-shirt advertising "Lauren's Burger Safari." Burger Safari! As if I'm navigating through the jungle of hamburgers with a machete and pith helmet! And just this summer, for my birthday, my brilliant friend Meghan constructed these amazing burger cookies (actually, you really need to see the whole set). I can't even begin to describe how awesome it is to eat a burger cookie, let alone to have someone make them for you. Isn't it crazy how the sesame seeds are actual sesame seeds but they somehow look like they're the right scale?

What's your favorite fast-food burger?
I like Burger King Whoppers, I like Wendy's. I like Five Guys, I like In-N-Out. White Castle, too! The only fast-food burger I don't like is McDonald's. I don't eat a lot of fast food, but I don't exactly run from it either. Given a choice, I'll always opt for a better burger. Or Better Burger! (Although they're pretty slow for fast food.)

What topping or condiment, in your opinion, should never grace a burger?
Shrimp. Actually, pretty much anything from the sea. I have this theory that animals who don't interact in nature shouldn't share a bun. Then again, that theory falls apart pretty quickly if you look at it too closely. And someone just read this over my shoulder and said, "It's just surf and turf!" As if that would be a relevant excuse to put seafood on meat. I don't buy it. Just thinking about tentacles poking out from under a bun is skeeving me out. Ew.

What's the most unusual burger you've ever eaten? (Or most unusual burger experience you've had?)
Uh, well, this friend of mine who isn't me once went on what turned out to be a date at the Corner Bistro with a friend of her recent ex. He spent the night making pull-my-finger jokes and fart sounds and ended up accidentally walking off with a piece of her jewelry (which she later got back). Anyway, he ordered a chili cheeseburger and it was maybe tasty but definitely not what you want to be eating in public, let alone across from someone you're vaguely interested in impressing. Again, not me.

I had a regular burger.

What's the most overrated burger you've tried? Most underrated?
Saying that Corner Bistro is overrated is getting to be overrated, although I agree, and not just because of anything that might have happened to myself or anyone I know while there. Still, I'm going to have to go with Donovan's, and that's not just because I want to keep Queens a secret (although I kind of do). They definitely have a solid burger, but I'm comfortable in saying it is not New York's No. 1.

Actually, I think the most underrated burger is also in Queens, at P.J. Horgan's. It's a little smaller than the Donovan's burger, but in my opinion they cook it more consistently. And they have better sides.

For some crazy reason, you're going vegetarian. Where do you go for your final burger?
The National Cattlemen's Beef Association is too powerful to allow this to happen. My bizarre meat-magnetism is already responsible for making hamburger lovers out of at least five former vegetarians. Who knows how many other lives I've touched? Clearly, I'm not someone they can afford to let stop eating meat.

If I befriended a talking calf, they'd assassinate her. They'd put ground glass in my cauliflower. These people are watching, and they are not kidding around. I'm not trying to overstate my importance here, I just want you to understand what's at stake. Mmm... steak.

Burger Joints Referenced

• Jimmy's Burger Shack: 258 West 31st Street, New York NY 10001; jimmysburgershack.com
• Clinton Street Baking Co.: 4 Clinton Street, New York NY 10002; clintonstreetbaking.com
• Burger King: Locations worldwide; burgerking.com
• Peter Luger: 178 Broadway, Brooklyn NY 11211; peterluger.com
• Veselka: 144 Second Ave. (at 9th Street) New York City: veselka.com
• Shake Shack: Madison Ave. and 23rd Street, New York NY 10010; shakeshacknyc.com
• P.J. Clarke's: 915 Third Avenue, New York NY 10022; pjclarkes.com
• Fuddrucker's: Locations nationwide; fuddruckers.com
• McDonald's: Locations worldwide; mcdonalds.com
• Wendy's: Locations worldwide; wendys.com
• Five Guys: Various locations on the East Coast; fiveguys.com
• In-N-Out: Various locations in California, New Mexico, and Arizona; in-n-out.com
• White Castle: Various locations, mostly in the Northeast; whitecastle.com
• Better Burger: 1614 Second Ave. (at 84th Street, UES); 587 Ninth Ave. (at 42nd Street, Midtown West); 561 Third Ave. (at 37th Street, Murray Hill); 178 Eighth Ave. (at 19th Street, Chelsea); betterburgernyc.com
• Corner Bistro: 331 West 4th Street, New York City; cornerbistro.citysearch.com
• Donovan's Pub: 57-24 Roosevelt Ave., Woodside NY 11377
• P.J. Horgan's: 42-17 Queens Boulevard, Sunnyside NY 11104

Further Reading

• Lauren's burger pix on Flickr
• Other Grilled interviews [AHT Archives]