A Hamburger Today
Grilled: Mister Hamburger
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't recall how we first happened upon Mister Hamburger's lively dispatches, but when we did, we were immediately taken by his no-holds-barred reviews and his neat little burger icons that quickly convey specific information about a given sandwich. We were also immediately saddened that we didn't think of such a cool icon-based ratings scheme. I should have Grilled Mister Hamburger much sooner, but better late than never, right? So, without further ado, let's get Grillin'! —The Mgmt.
Name: Mister Hamburger
Location: Mister Hamburger is currently in Europe, but usually New York City
Occupation: Being Mister Hamburger
How often do you eat burgers these days? Are you still on the Mister Hamburger Weight Loss Regimen?
Mister Hamburger eats as many hamburgers as he can. His intake rests at about two or three per week. Mister and Missus Hamburger have to cook their own sometimes because Rome does not share the same love of hamburgers. Mister Hamburger's regimen is kind of over, Mister Hamburger got back on the horse and eats crap again, but Mister Hamburger continued running.
Where did you eat your most recent one?
As of publication: The Hard Rock Café in Rome.
Cheese: American, cheddar, other?
All. Mister Hamburger likes cheddar, mozzarella, blue cheese, American, fontina, Gruyère, Emmenthal, Monterey Jack, Parmigiano, Basque. And to all the cheese Mister Hamburger missed, Mister Hamburger loves you. Mister Hamburger has started taking notes about various cheeses on a scrap bit of paper because Mister Hamburger forgets what types of cheeses he buys at the supermercato in Roma.
Ketchup or mustard?
Mister Hamburger loves ketchup and gives Heinz five hamburgers.
Sesame-seed or plain?
Mister Hamburger loves a well-toasted sesame seed bun. Mister Hamburger loves finding the sesame seeds in his teeth after he finishes his burger.
Grilled, griddled, or broiled?
Mister Hamburger takes it any way he can get it, but he prefers grilled.
And how would you like that done, sir?
Mister Hamburger demands medium-rare, unless Mister Hamburger finds himself in countries that serve excellent-quality meat, in which case, he demands rare.
Would you do us the favor of describing your perfect burger? (Price and ingredients are no object.)
Mister Hamburger says the heart of the burger is the meat, and the patty needs to be the best quality ground beef money can buy. Mister Hamburger likes a strong flavor from the beef, in fact, Mister Hamburger has been known to eat burgers without ketchup if the meat is that good. Mister Hamburger doesn't like lettuce or tomatoes but he dreams every night about bacon (as Missus Hamburger says, "Bacon makes it better"), and he wakes up fantasizing about sautéed onions. Mister Hamburger loves a thick chunk of cheese melted onto the burger. And if they're in season, Mister Hamburger loves black truffle shavings in the mix—but only on special occasions.
You have an extensive list of criteria by which you judge burgers, which is then conveyed visually with burger-rating icons. I'm a fan of this system and wish I would have come up with it myself. Do you rate the burger elements in a notebook as you eat or do you just do it from memory while blogging it later?
Mister Hamburger doesn't take notes while he eats. Mister Hamburger takes a photo of the burger and that usually reminds him of the highlights, or problems in the burger. If that's not enough, Missus Hamburger has a very good memory.
The maximum burger rating (including puerto rican day parade) is five. It is almost impossible to get that though, Mister Hamburger is fierce and won't give it out a five easily. Missus Hamburger once reviewed a burger from Kool blue and gave it five, but Mister Hamburger totally disagreed with her and was a little angry.
We've heard they do an interesting burger in Australia, where you're from. What's on it, do you miss it, and do you ever visit Ruby's when you're homesick?
The typical Australian burger is cooked at a little neighborhood Greek-owned fish and chip joint. Some old skanky grandma with dirty hands grills meat on a grill that's been cooking fish, she throws a handful of lettuce, some tomato, a slice of pineapple, some beetroot (what you people call beet) which inevitably falls off onto your white shirt, and tops it all off with a fried egg. Mister Hamburger puts an egg on burgers that he cooks himself but never beetroot. Mister Hamburger thinks Australian burgers are good, but Mister Hamburger can only really stomach them on a massive hangover. Mister Hamburger thinks that New York burgers are the best, but if he does get homesick, he visits the place across the street from Ruby's, Eight Mile Creek, which has his second favorite beer and a barbie every Sunday where Frank cooks awesome burgers.
What's your favorite fast-food burger?
Mister Hamburger was forced by his better half to admit Burger King makes better burgers, but Mister Hamburger always goes and gets secret McDonald's, which is a secret because he never tells Missus Hamburger he went there. The misplaced receipt or Maccas' smell usually gives away poor Mister Hamburger, though. Mister Hamburger likes to put fries in the cheeseburgers. [Me too. It gives the sandwich a crisp textural component. —Ed.]
What topping or condiment, in your opinion, should never grace a burger?
Mister Hamburger HATES pickles! Mister Hamburger says they're the food of the dog and consequently gives them to his dog.
What's the most unusual burger experience you've had?
Mister Hamburger travels a lot. He has shouted at people at the Palestine hotel for not providing his horrible burger with ketchup, and had ketchup FedExed to Iraq by Missus Hamburger, who saved the day; he's eaten burgers at the Milan Four Seasons near the Red Hot Chili Peppers (who were not eating burgers, which explains their second rate music); he watched jealously in horror one drunken evening as Missus Hamburger put a thick slice of foie gras onto a McDonalds cheeser in the south of France; but the strangest burger experience Mister Hamburger had was in Melbourne, Australia, when he came to work to McDonald's after an all-night rave high on acid and fell asleep in a pallet of buns.
What's the most overrated burger you've tried? Most underrated?
Mister Hamburger's most underrated burger is at Miracle Grill, in New York. Mister Hamburger is heartbroken they closed but would like to know where the burger chef moved to. Mister Hamburger thinks that Pop Burger in New York is a joke, and those loser D-listers who still go there can have all the shitty burgers they want.
You are marooned on a desert isle. You find a bottle on the beach. You pick it up, rub off the sand, and uncork it to assess its message-holding capability. But, whoa! A bang and a wisp of smoke emerge from the mouth of the bottle... "Greetings, Mister Hamburger. I am the Hamburger Genie. Like all genies, I have the power to manifest your desires. However, my wish-granting abilities, are strictly limited. I can offer you only this: The faithful replication of any off-island hamburger source. Whether it's a McDonald's, an In-N-Out, a favorite neighborhood café duplicated to the very last detail, or even a picnic table next to a grill manned by a spatula-wielding doppelganger of your father, I will conjure this private hamburger joint for you, completely staffed and fully functional. Once you bite of a burger from this source, however, it will be the only one you may eat for the rest of your life, even if you manage to leave this beautiful prison of an island you find yourself on. Do you understand me, Mister Hamburger? If so, please reveal to me: What is your desert-island burger?"
Mister Hamburger would ask the genie to have the sexy Missus Hamburger cook him burgers for the rest of his time on the island. That way Mister Hamburger wouldn't get lonely. And he wouldn't have to leave a tip.
Mister Hamburger very much enjoyed your survey. He gives it four hamburgers. It would have gotten five if it came with a free cheeseburger.
BURGER JOINTS REFERENCED
Hard Rock Café, Rome: Via Vittorio Veneto, 62/A, 00187 Roma (RM), Italy
Eight Mile Creek: 240 Mulberry Street, New York NY 10012; eightmilecreek.com
Burger King: Various locations worldwide; burgerking.com
McDonald's: Various locations worldwide; mcdonalds.com
Miracle Grill: Since closed—R.I.P. Was at 415 Bleecker Street
Pop Burger: 60 Ninth Avenue, New York NY 10011; popburger.com [annoying Flash site with music and demands that you "enlarge your screen" to fit its silly Flash navigation scheme]
FURTHER READING
Mister Hamburger's unabridged body of work [Two-Twenty.net]
Other Grilled interviews [The AHT Archives]